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visa help (Cape Town)

Hi all,

I don't know if anyone can help! I just joined this forum because I am getting ZERO help from anywhere and I am pulling my hair out and then I saw this forum and thought, surely there has got to be someone there who can offer some advice or guide me in the right direction, so here goes!
I am getting married next week and have recently learnt that I now have to go back to the UK to process any new visas! In my previous marriage to an SA citizen, I just went to Home Affairs with a chest e-ray and my marriage certificate, paid my money and it was processed however now it has all changed! I have heard that I have to go to London (major inconvenience as I know no-one there and the hotels are stupidly expensive) and also, I have to have a police check certificate, a chest x-ray, yellow fever vaccine, proof of address docs, a bone chipping and a vile of blood!!!!! Ok, maybe not the last 2 but I believe that I need a lot more now and this will all take about 2 months to gather and process! I have been told that no consulate can help and I must go directly to the SA Embassy in London! Problem is, I'm not quite sure what I need, I don't know what visa exactly I am applying for......I can only find relative visa (as in blood family or work visa..........apparently for a permanent residency visa, I need to have been here for 5 year already and it must be continuing on the same visa and since I am now divorced, that is not possible)!
Anyway, I think you catch my drift! I am getting married next week and then I have to take a "lone honeymoon" to the uk and be away from my new maritial bliss for a couple of months but I'm not quite sure hwo to get the ball rolling on my visa and the Home Affairs here are no help..............can any of you help me, please?!

Thank you so much for any info you can offer