The Exceptional Expat

Whether you are an expat because of your career, or perhaps your partner’s career, you have met others who seem to be able to manage it all and have time, space and energy to carve out the life they truly want and deserve. It looks easy, doesn’t it? Well, those expats don’t necessarily have any more experience than you do — some people are exceptional on their very first posting. They are the ones that everyone in the room gravitates towards; they are the ones who are succeeding in their lives, their career, their relationships and with their own personal passions. So why don’t we all have amazing expat experiences?

Well, after working with many expats and their spouses for a number of years, I have finally figured it out! It turns out that these successful, happy, relaxed, purposeful and fulfilled people are not dependent on their environment (their location / job / marriage / whatever) to determine whether they are happy and fulfilled. These exceptional expats use a particular mindset to ensure the success and happiness of each and every posting.

The Right Mentality Is Key

Having this mindset or principles for success – however you define success — ensures that these expats live life on their terms and succeed in their own professional and personal endeavors. How do they do that? Well it is not as complicated as you may imagine, however consistency seems to be the key in getting the results you want. If you want to have a better relationship with your spouse, a more collaborative working environment, or simply more time and energy for yourself, then investing a little bit of time and effort every day can help you right now and in your future assignments.

Let’s be clear at the outset. As mentioned above, these principles are not complicated, they are however challenging as they will impact the very way you think. About everything. All the time. Isn’t it time to take the first steps to living a successful, happy, meaningful, fulfilled and truly portable life?

Endless Points of View

The first principle is “a map is not the territory” which was first quoted by Alfred Korzybski in 1931. In relation to your success as an expat, this principle is possibly the most important one and arguably the most difficult one to consistently remember! We tend to revert back to the “comfort” of thinking about issues or challenges in the way we have always thought of them. This is the reason I have started with this principle – it has the most profound effect on your thinking once you consistently apply it.

What this means, is no matter how well you try to describe something — e.g. food in a restaurant, you are only describing it — it is not the actual food you are conjuring up. Or the atmosphere and ambience, or indeed the whole event as you experienced it. Have you and a friend / partner ever compared your experience of the same event? Do you sometimes wonder if you were actually in the same room? We are conditioned to notice only what is important to us and to leave out what is of little interest and irrelevant to us.

Remain Curious

The key to this principle is accepting that you cannot possibly understand the world as it is, but rather how you are. This is a huge concept and cannot be covered fully here — it is based on the work of Carl Jung and as I said, it has a profound impact on your thinking. A person who has grown up in a big city like Mumbai will view the world based on all the cultural norms, unwritten ground rules, experiences, education, interests, assumptions, beliefs and events that have shaped his/her life. Another person who has grown up in a big city like London will view the world exactly as he/she has experienced it, with all of the cultural norms, unwritten ground rules, etc. as above. You cannot possibly understand another person’s point of view if you do not understand “their map”. You might think you do — until you reach the next problem and you feel as if you are both back at square one! Only a little more frustrated than last time.

By remaining curious and completely non-judgmental, you can ask the questions which will help you and the other person truly understand each other and each other’s point of view. One tip — never ask a question beginning with “why”. Why not? Well that one word is loaded with judgment. Stick to “what”, “how”, “who”, and “where” questions instead. As Stephen Covey says “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Curiosity allows for a much more open conversation and the more you can let go of the need to be “right” or to justify your beliefs and assumptions, the more open minded you become. This brings momentum and a desire to learn and explore further. The person living by this principle will view their posting as positive, enlightening, enriching, challenging, exciting, and fun rather than something to simply endure. Which would you rather experience?

The First of Many Steps

Over the next issues, we will explore areas such as using your resources, taking responsibility, living with gratitude and learning to embrace uncertainty among other topics. I would love to hear from you regarding your own particular challenges and the solutions or the principles you have developed to help you navigate expat life.

Love your journey!

 

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In my previous article, “The Exceptional Expat” the idea of a particular mindset for success was introduced and the following questions were addressed:

• What makes an expat or an expat experience exceptional?
• Have you ever met those expats who seem to have it all “down-pat”?
• How do they seem to effortlessly transition between postings and not only survive the experience but truly thrive and grow in the process?

This article builds on the success principles of expats and introduces the second principle: we do the best we can with the resources (time, money, knowledge, experience, etc.) we have at the time.

While this sounds simple and relatively straightforward, when you stop and think it through, it can actually free you from the “if only” syndrome that everyone suffers from at some point. When making any decision (and let’s face it, expats have some pretty big decisions to make regularly) it can be tempting to fall into the trap of thinking “if only we had known THAT before doing this.” Do you know how much energy and head space this kind of thinking takes up? It’s time to stop it. Now.

Be Ready to Make a Detour

Hindsight is a marvelous thing, but it is actually not very helpful at all. Of course if we had all the information at the time of making the decision, we may well have chosen differently. Part of the fun of expat life is to stop and regularly review how far you have come — both geographically and emotionally. When was the last time you checked in on your journey? Think back to a big decision you have made in the past. How do you feel about it now? It is simply not possible to have all the information at the time, so you have to go with the “best” option. Knowing what you know today,  was it still the best option? Fortunately nobody really knows for sure and I am delighted to tell you that it doesn’t actually matter!

Learning to accept the responsibility of the outcomes of our decisions and being kind to ourselves in the process is all we can do. Assigning blame does not help. I am sure you will agree that you don’t purposefully choose the worst possible option for you and your family. For example, we chose expat life at a time my career was really taking off and I was torn about the decision to leave. Would I have been more successful or happier if we had continued our “old” life? Yes, No, Maybe — these are all worthy answers, yet focusing solely on the past and choosing not to learn anything from this expat adventure is like driving while only looking in the rear view mirror…

Accepting that we all do the best we can with the knowledge we have is a revelation in our thought and decision making processes. It is liberating as it removes a certain sense of burden or blame if things don’t work out as expected — think of it as the forgiveness framework. When I talk about this idea, I often highlight how we parent or educate children — parents, psychologists and teachers research, learn and adapt traditional methods, new trends emerge and are believed to be the “right” way of doing things. Of course these methods are superseded by the next “new” trend! But this doesn’t mean that what we did previously was wrong or wasted — it is the foundation for the next layer to be built on.

Ask the Right Questions

Of course, we all want to make the best choices and there are strategies and models you can adopt to ensure you are asking yourself the right questions. My favorite one and the one I find most effective is the Kaizen approach. Ask a friend or your partner to ask you the following four questions and just go with the first thoughts that pop into your head — there is no right or wrong:

• What will happen if I/we do this?
• What wont happen if I/we do this?
• What will happen if I/we don’t do this?
• What won’t happen if I/we don’t do this?

Once you come up with a few ideas, begin to go a bit deeper and have your questioner ask you “what else” several more times until you have at least five answers for each question.

The last question is designed to fry the logical part of your mind, so just go with whatever comes up. Don’t over-think it.

You will be amazed at how this simple model can clarify the options available to you, and remember, if you had 100% certainty about the outcome, would you have as much fun on the journey getting there?! Adopting this one principle means you will begin making decisions effortlessly now and in the future. Gone are the days of being tied in knots and feeling stuck or frozen when you need to make a big life changing decision. Practice asking yourself these questions with smaller decisions and see how easy it is.

Over the next few issues, we will explore areas such as taking responsibility, living with gratitude and learning to embrace uncertainty among other topics. I would love to hear from you regarding your own particular challenges and the solutions or the principles you have developed to help you navigate expat life.

Love your journey!

One of the biggest challenges many expats experience whether at work or in their lives at home, is the frustration of miscommunication. You know when you think you said one thing and the other person thinks you meant something entirely different? I once got in the car in Mumbai and asked our new driver “can you take me to the mall?”. He said “yes, of course” and we basically just sat there at the side of the road until I said “what are we waiting for?”. Turns out he was waiting for the actual instruction, “Please take me to the mall” or “I want to go to the mall, take me there please.” He had taken my question literally — of course he could take me to the mall — he was in a car, it was full of petrol, he knew the way to the mall — he just didn’t realize that I meant I wanted him to take me there. Now, please. I am sure we all have funny stories to illustrate this point.

The other big frustration is no matter how many times you say something, you feel you aren’t fully heard or properly understood? Do you find that you have the same conversations over and over and the outcome never changes? It’s not necessarily because you are both speaking different languages — my partner and I are both native English speakers, yet I’m pretty sure that sometimes we just don’t “get” what the other person is saying! Now imagine the complications and frustrations when communicating with someone who does speak a different language!

Become a Successful Communicator

For the purpose of this post, whether you speak one or seven languages fluently, isn’t what matters. What matters to be truly heard and understood is how effectively you communicate. The most successful and happy expats are the ones who are most flexible in their communication and in their behavior. Learning how to be a successful communicator can make a huge difference in your experiences as an expat, whether you learn the local language or not. The impact this can have on your partner, friends, colleagues, and kids is immense.

Even more importantly, when we learn to adjust our communication style so that we are truly understood, we reduce frustration and the need to repeat ourselves — how refreshing will that be!? Imagine how much more satisfying the conversation would be and how much energy we could save. I have found that simply repeating the message, only louder, doesn’t work! Notice how the successful communicators are the ones who take 100% responsibility for their communication. They never, ever, ever assume the other person “got it”. They check.

Learn How to Use Speech Patterns

Our language — including choice of words, tonality, pace of speech, etc., is so powerful. Yet, it is often overlooked because we have spent years communicating in a particular way and it simply becomes an unconscious habit. When you start to notice other peoples’ speech patterns, you can become more consciously aware of how you can communicate more congruently with them. Give it a go!

If you notice that someone uses words like “see, perspective, vision, looks good” etc. then respond with “yes, I see what you mean” rather than “yes, I’m hearing you”. Save that response for the people who unconsciously and regularly use words like “hear, rings a bell, sounds right, music to my ears.” Oh and never respond to people who use language like, “I’m certain, thinking logically, makes sense” with language such as “feels right, I’ve got a hunch or tap into.” Although culturally there are huge differences in communication styles, this simple skill helps everyone to feel heard and understood.

Using a skill like this — adjusting your own style to better match someone else’s is behavioral flexibility which has been written about extensively — do a quick search online and thousands of articles will show up.

Use the Right Strategy

My belief is that as expats, we are ahead of most other people; the very fact that you have chosen this challenging life highlights your ability to adapt and handle many different situations. What have you noticed works for you when you are communicating? I often ask my kids to repeat back to me what I have asked them to do — to ensure they have understood and to help them remember. I have learned that my husband doesn’t want all the details when he asks me a question — I get straight to the point, otherwise he stops listening after around 45 seconds! With my friends our conversations meander across several different topics at once and we rarely finish the conversation, but that is OK as we all expect that to happen.

At work, I have found that by asking a lot more questions than I normally would, I am having much more success in communicating. I have discovered that starting any question with the word “why” is often taken as a challenge and the whole tone of the conversation can become confrontational. Instead of asking “why do you do it that way?” I now know to reframe the question with something like “for what purpose are you doing it that way?” or “how is that working for you?”. I have also learned to follow up a quick recap of whatever we just discussed whether that is at home or at work. I have also learned that interrupting others during a conversation isn’t always seen as excitement or an eagerness to contribute — some cultures prefer a much more transactional way of speaking — you say what you want to say and then stop. I respond and then stop. You have your turn again etc. This is very alien to me and is currently my biggest challenge.

Love your journey!